In Pursuit of Satisfaction.....will just keep on goin...there is no end

yea...the year is just ending with two more days to go. No...no this isnt going to be one of those blogs where I will say 'The best of 2007' or the 'worst of 2007'. Lets say I did learn a lot and may have become a bit mature at that...(well you don't need to laugh at that comment) in fact I have. Maybe a bit stronger too. Its like this warrior who wasn't too keen to go on a war, wasn't prepared so was in no situation to face the consequences. Though the warrior had that ability - only thing she did not realise it. And that is really sad when you fail to understand your own abilities - the power that you have. Thats like losing out on something.



I mean even now, with this job that I have, though I do not want to find faults with it. I still try to probe, poke and try to whine just to find sufficient excuses to escape from something. Thinking once again - I seriously will gain no satisfaction in what I am doing. And I don't want that to happen again and again.



Secondly, men....no no...not that there aren't too many there are way too much than I can handle...the same ways of trying to flirt, to get involved and all that...Please God can I find better people who know the meaning of love, affection and above all friendship and yea a good sense of humour. They all keep laughing at their own pathetic jokes...and expect others to do the same. :) they have seriously lost all sense.



Thirdly, fulfill all my mum's wishes yea keeping in mind my own choices...



And may I earn more and more money so I can buy more boots, handbags and travel a lot....



So there, I blew up again...no satisfaction at all...it just keeps on increasing no matter what time of the year and what day. Will have 2008 as not wishes but demands to have more, want more - it could be in form of psychological wish or material wishes. Do wish me luck....:)

Here's to a rocking 2008!!!!

To be or Not to BE!!!! (Can I actually take revenge??)

Can I actually take revenge?? Well, naahhh....maybe bittersweet revenge yea....but something major well - I haven't qualifed for that as yet. When I gave my so called on-air audition yesterday, this is what I had to wonder....I mean...even no matter how deeply I feel about it...its always my family values that stop me from going ahead. And I guess trying to plot and all that can actually rob me of all my energies. Which I need to save up for better things to happen in life.
Coz if you ask me right now, well yea am bubbling under so much that guess when it pops open I will have loads of it that will come out - in form of revenge. And after seeing this particular Hindi movie where the actress Urmila Matondkar takes revenge on actor Saif Ali Khan....by taking him to the cave and tying him up with chains and leaving him to be fed by the rats...Ah! How I feel I could be that ruthless. But thats my biggest problem - I just cannot afford to.
And the cat and mouse game is best to be left with the useless lovers of this world. Who have nothing to do except plot and plan how to make the other one jealous or envious. Which is not just me...blaahhh....its just takes you down....
Anywayz revenge or no revenge.... at least for a change am happy today. You do not even want to know what I have written on the soft board. :) (wink!) yea...

Learning to SAIL SKILFULLY.....

No...no...no...do not expect me to shed tears and cry now....its a funny situation...very funny..and yea as they say please do not take any drastic steps....naahhh...dont worry about me committing suicide - :) coz I won't,yea perhaps others may.....as my mom famously says....you got to learn to swim in the rough choppy sea. Yeah initially I used to swim in a river...now I really need to learn to swim in the sea. After the kind of "shark" I just happened to meet...(btw the shark just happened to pass by) wow how I just love this!!!!! anywayz...so now I really need to plan and chalk it all out...for myself.

As for swimming in the sea....now is the time to act smart and clever....maybe I can say goodbye to the days when I used to run for the 'EXIT'...which I was and am still considering for the same. And which I shall not do. Coz when will I be a survivor rather than being called 'ESCAPIST' every other time when people come with their horror masks to come and scare me away! And yea I do run away....this time its going to be a little different. Little??? Well now that depends on my success ratio. How successfully can I really get out of it all....

Okay enough of philosophical talks...first things first, where I actually needed to cry is....when one of my colleague cum classmate cum (oh uh well can I actually call her a frnd) got more than me and not just twice the amount thrice the amount!!!! Well I really want to dislike her but thats no fault of her's its mine...I should have been a bit persistent...which am not...you see I always behave as Money can be got from anywhere...maybe there's a tree where you just need to go ahead and pluck them all!!!! So am not toooo careful about it....so well what's the point in crying...

Half the world act smart and can get away with everything and anything they want...thus leaving you alone to sail your own ship...its like you thought they were doing it so you could sit and just chill maro...suddenly when the ship starts to act funny you panic...thats exactly whats happening...so moral of the story....

SAIL YOUR OWN SHIP AND NEVER PICK AND CHOOSE JUST THROW THEM IN THE SEA!!!! :)) (need to learn to be wicked!!) one more skill to learn in my kitty.....

The ART of FAKISM (or is the act)

No matter, how much you do not want to....you just have to FAKE it! Its like you have no choice at all! Whether its a smile, a laugh, loving somebody or for that matter even an orgasm. Haven't you heard that - on how many times you need to fake it to reach to the top! :)

Anywayz, I think my time too has arrived that I need to fake it too....no matter what. No not the orgasm part. But even a smile. Which till date I have not yet succeeded...a cold shoulder is what I need to give...Gosh! How I wish I was cold-blooded! Just the look is enough to freeze anyone in their place. So from now on, all you will see is that smile which goes hmmmm.....but my only concern is that I hope I don't lose out the real 'ME' somewhere in the act of faking so much so that I am confused in who's the real ME!!! But then that too or there too lies the art of doing it effectively, without posing any harm on oneself.

The need thus arose, coz am just too tired of getting hurt, being emotional, trusting somebody and then trying to get up and trying to find a 'better person' to lead better lives....SIGH!!!! and a big SIGH! to that...coz I do not want to get tied along with somebody...

Today is day 1 for experimenting with fakism....lets see how far I go....hehehehehee....or maybe not too far...I may just come back...(considering the success ratio) :)) coz the heart is always involved...maybe I just need to settle in with however I am...spread my hands out and say...u wanna welcome me...do that or just F*** off!!! You really have no right to rule my life...coz I decide that!!

Its my Birthday!!!!! So what do I want????

Its my birthday today!!! yea on 3rd of November a ROCKSTAR was born and yea thats me!!!! Now, what do I actually want for myself on this day??? First of all, I need to catch up on some sleep, loads of sleep at that. Then yea sit with 'old' friends and family as well and catch up with those old times and great times that I had! Coz its like yea 'Those were the best days of my life - to remember and cherish!' Though today am at work, well am not complainin, except that they just give me compensation on something or the other. And then will just fly out like a free bird from here!!! I just read my horoscope and yea they do read 'good' things for your next year. But all am wondering is will they really happen?? Really?? All I need is that grit and determination to go ahead and think positively instead of whining everytime.

And no matter how much I write this, I dont think its going to help, coz it will keep on happening. It just has to be my own self-realisation that will work. That I can go on a complete high and make it there!!! Nywayz....they say its not a big deal that its your birthday and all! But well, its a day where you can feel special and wanted. At least people give you some minutes, okay seconds of attention. Otherwise every day its so hectic they fail to notice you or anything about you...hehehehee...(a bit exaggerated though!) so am glad to be enjoying this day though am at work. I do hope to go home soon! And real soon....

Happy happy Birthday to ME!!!!! Here's wishing myself that I smile a lot and laugh a lot!!!!!! Hahahahahaa.......I just did!

Am just having the Monday blues!!!! Somebody help me.........aaaaahhhh....

Yea the title says it all and it also vents out my frustration, my worries, my anger and everything and anything under the sun that spells NEGATIVE!!!! I am somewhat under the negative charm (if you can call that charm!!!) coz its just bitten me and am like if I could only draw and tell you ...:( completely down feel like adding more of them...:((((( yea thats better yea but the blues are coz of dozens of stuff going around me....let me see, am I not opening up??? I do not know....for which I tried contacting my best friend Mr Ninad...but you see he is of no use even if do remember his number by heart!!! Guess if am lost in some La La Land I will never ever get in touch with him!!! Oh Heaven only save me...Yea so like I said it looks like am put under that spell...and its just bothering me as hell.....or is it just some sort of a bad hair day??? Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh wish I could really scream that loud!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH from the top of the mountains!!!! thats what I feel like doing now......and yea there is nobody to save me from my own dilemmas except me myself! and I do hope to do that soon coz this is really bugging me...I am not the kind of person who would love to stay down and out for a longer time...I mean get a life and get going! I mean I never look at the brighter side of life...even if I have got the brightest things...I always feel have got so little with me...which is just so....bad!!!! why do I have to feel that way....why cant I just say life's a party! Life's a joy....but what the heck...its always a gloomy picture that I present myself with!!! Which is making me feel bad! Why should I have people around me to make me happy....having a good job, good family or good stuff around me...isnt just that fine??? Why should I always have a reason to be happy?? Why cant I just stretch my lips and smile (stretch at a cost that they dont hurt me - and its comfortable doing it) hell...am even gettin in touch with loads of them...why cant I just open my arms and fly!!!!!! I mean really really really FLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!So thats there.....Phew!!! I just kind of spilled that out!!!

I just looove the LYRICS of this song!!!

For the first time after listening to U2's 'Sometimes you cant make it on your own!', I heard 'Miracle Drug' today on my way to office...and my ears sort of got attracted to the lyrics itself! The song goes like this....

I want to trip inside your head
Spend the day there...
To hear the things you haven't said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby's head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough I'm not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time... will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah,
I'd give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight
Beneath the noise
Below the din I hear a voice
It's whispering
In science and in medicine
"I was a stranger
You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I've had enough of romantic love
I'd give it up, yeah,
I'd give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug