And am BACK!!!

Wow!!! After a long long time am finally getting to write....and it feels strange coz there have been loads of changes during that period. Today was not particularly a good day....I mean I don't know if I woke up from the wrong side of the bed....but yeah...guess will remember this day in years to come... I blew up my whole cooking - once upon a time I was been encouraged that I do make good dal, subzi, etc...now suddenly this whole day coz I ruined everything am frowned upon and looked down as if I really don't know anything. I understand everything is new to me...its just been three months and all that and I am learning but guess you do commit mistakes at least some day or the other....That's why dad says never to be so happy when somebody praises you. Everything gets ruined including your confidence...

I cried the whole evening coz I screwed up and I know if I talk to mum she will definitely tell me that some days are good some days are bad...so take it in your stride and walk with confidence...yeah thats true....but then wise words are remembered only when the whole episode gets over....strange and funny.

Its better to polish up the lost confidence rather than feel depressed especially at the first stages of pregnancy you see do not want a grumpy child who is always cribbing...am doing that already. Sigh! So lets get up dust off our pants and backside as well coz the fall will be steep and there will be loads of pebbles along the way...it is for you to brush them aside and get up with a smiling face....as they say Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you will cry alone! Which did happen I was all alone crying with nobody to sit beside me and tell me its going to be okay, especially when you are at your in-laws place. Comparisons will be drawn, people will talk but its okay. Always hold your head high and not low you will fail that way!

Take this day as a lesson create a new chapter tomorrow for yourself so you have something to share with your kids someday how their mum always cried when she was been told that her cooking wasn't too good!

I am a ROCKSTAR and will always be one!

I Return Home as a Married Woman

13/05/09 - 12am
Its been 15 days since I got married and while boarding a flight from Indore to Mumbai felt strange coz I wasn't in my usual jeans and t-shirt, the sneakers were absent and so was my funky bag. Instead was dressed in chudidaar-kurta alongwith gold sandals (that I had worn for the wedding) and a handbag to compliment the outfit (no matter what you see I had to stay true to what I am).

My husband came to see me off at the airport, seemed strange that I was returning back home - back home to where I spent almost well not half of my life but yeah spent a lifetime there. My parents, my cousins, my grandma... I clearly remember on the day of my wedding during the send-off ceremony, with tears in my eyes as I hugged my loved ones - I only had one question to ask mum, "Can't I come home, just to see it for one last time?", though it wouldn't be 'last time' but emotions are so heavy, the urge so strong that you wish you could just run away from it all and curl up on your bed and go to sleep. Never wanting to leave your own house.

But I guess I keep on saying this one phrase over and over again, 'You move on in life', when people tell me that, "Oh, we know you will start crying when you come home", to which I tell them I wouldn't. Its like reading a book, once you start turning the pages of the book, you wouldn't return back to page 1, so is with life. I believe that this phase is like a new chapter in my life. And yeah there is no returning back - you have to create a story out of it. And a beautiful one too.

In a few days I will be back to my 'new home', my own house, my new family. A new life, new beginnings. Watch out for this space coz no matter what I will be BACK with another exciting experience. Keeping my fingers crossed on that one!

Pre Marriage Blues Part III

Okay so just 15 days left from today - for the D-day to take place. And is the shopping happening??? Don't forget this-don't forget that, well as the list gets ticked and checked on what is left - I happen to learn new things. Relationships!!! Wow!

Big Wow! Okay so I have never been in a relationship except for small crushes. With friends, I guess its a different story. You don't have to bother about what they will think if you do this or that or you don't have to think twice whether they will get upset if you just happen to pull their leg. And yeah you can laugh and talk out loud no matter what! But in a relationship, well at least initially - you have to be extremely extremely careful about lot of things and if it is a long distance relationship - well God save you then. Especially if you don't know the guy very well and if the phone is the only instrument to connect you - it does get a bit difficult.

Difficult but not impossible. Problem with me is I love to talk to people watch their expressions (its a different story that people like to watch my expression while conversing) at least I know their reaction. Lesson 1 that I learnt from these past two months - Relationships need a lot of PATIENCE - you just cannot hurry up or react to things so soon - just act naturally. Better watch the mood, get the right timing and talk it out of whatever that is bothering you.

Easier said than done, I hope and pray to God to give me the 'required' patience for I run out of it every now and then. 15 days left - you will be hearing more from me coz now am really getting nervous...

Till then watch out for how a bride-to-be feels when there are just 14 days left, her most of the shopping is left, she has to pack her bags and what more!!!

Pre Marriage Blues Part II

Okay, so I am blogging after a looong time....but am blogging at least. Tomorrow is April 1st...which doesn't sort of cool my senses or calm my nerves (not that somebody is going to make a fool out of me on this 'auspicious day') but apparently my marriage date is set on April 27th - which is the reason that I have begun to feel all sorts of different emotions at one go. You name it I got it! Nervous, excitement, happiness, sadness, angry - Wow!!!

Shopping is on - though not everything listed is purchased. Have given myself a three day break - and am not active at all! The sarees that I purchased well have got seven of them already! Now I have to learn how to drape them - can't expect somebody to come and do it for you. One thing my elder cousin told me was to learn everything on my own. Be independent. Learn to be strong and rest will follow. Then you know how the feeling is - you feel you just have a few days to stay at your parents home so enjoy as much as you can, get pampered, etc, etc...But I guess maybe practising to be strong, to be independent starts here....

Trying to learn yoga (completely this time) wouldn't want to end up looking fat even after marriage or for that matter put on that extra weight. Meditation is something which can help me as well. Have got several advices as to going to a massage parlour so that your skin glows on your D-day. Am trying to myself motivated - but thats easier said than done. No longer do I try to feel happy, try to feel special something or the other crops up to dash it off.

And in this state of mind - negativity make its way - guess its just waiting around the corner to catch hold of its next victim (not that its difficult to find victims, but the more the merrier) and its also easy to make yourself feel - Oh poor me, how will I go through this, how will my relatives be? There is precisely no end to this.

Watch out for this space coz you might just get to read more of my roller coaster emotions or my pre marriage blues! Wish me luck!

Pre Marriage Blues - Part I

Okay....so whoever said that getting married is the most easiest thing to do in life must have eloped or must be dumb to say that (sorry to say that but couldn't help it). While its true that the real picture comes after you get married - just taking the first step could probably be well, shaky. As for me well will be getting married in a month - and there are all sorts of emotions that are running through my heart, different sort of thoughts running through my head. All I know is that I want to be really really happy when I get married and even after marriage. Take that extra effort, do something that I haven't really done. As Buz Lurhmann says, "Do something that scares you", probably not every other day. But yeah I mean when I look back at my life there are few things that I do regret. But then as they say if you do not make mistakes - you cannot be perfect. In fact these very mistakes help you to be perfect....

But its like that, a different phase taking place. And though am nervous as hell coz I will be leaving my safe and warm zone and moving to another zone, its going to take time to adjust to that whole new world. Coz I haven't stayed with my relatives let alone mingle with them so..... And the very fact being that I have always stayed in touch with my friends. They mean everything to me. So....well. Lets see.

Anywayz...so thats that every other day I keep on giving a philosophical talk to myself to motivate me to keep myself ready for whatever will happen in the future. So am trying to brush it off my shoulders.... Breathe in...Breathe out....Gosh!!!! Will keep you posted on whats happening....haven't started out with shopping as yet...so.....will let you know the first item on my list!

When Lust and MMS Collide!

I yawned, stretched and as I picked up todays newspaper early in the morning - the first thing that caught my eye was - 'B-School Student Circulates ex-lover Striptease Act' - which happened in Delhi. Whoa! I mean a big WHOA!!! Heard all those horror stories where you have hidden cameras that click the act unknowingly! But what about this girl all of 23-years-old? I mean do all that you want for your boyfriend, but guess when lust takes a wrong turn this is what happens.

Turns out the guy proposed the girl to get married to him and she dumped him. To top it the guy had the audacity to log on to her email ID and then mail the clip to some of her friends. And why wouldn't he - if he got the right to shoot her video it obviously meant he could use it for whatever purpose that he wanted to. Why just blame the guy only! The girl is equally responsible too!

Lust is important too in a relationship but when it comes this far - it turns out as a revenge - it wrecks apart your reputation, your goodwill. Which is given freely to people no matter even to your boyfriend to be toyed so easily. But the Generation Y has an answer to this as well - we think we are so forward, so broad minded and have every freedom in the world to do what we want to. Even if it ends in a similar result as this - its okay. As the phrase goes, 'Chalta Hai'! Yea right.

Do not be surprised if you see more of such stories on the front page of your newspaper. Do not also be shocked when you read that off late college going males prefer to have sex with their girlfriends 'without a condom' coz they think that she is from a good family so she is the safest rather than a commercial sex worker. Wow! I mean what more.....you may probably tag me as someone who is not ahead with the times - well if being ahead is this - am happy to be in the cocoon that I am with my thoughts!!!

Bidding your PAST goodbye!!!

At times it seems to be the most difficult task to let go off your past and accept the present. No matter how interesting your present is to you. But still you run behind your past, think about your past, ponder over it, scratch your head (till you notice that your hair starts falling). No matter how much you think about the past - nothing can be done. It just remains past. Similar to the antiques you see kept in the museum. Your past is just like that. Its a different thing that you have visitors who pay to admire it.

Unfortunately your past is not admired by you rather its just thought about. The only outcome you get from it is that you emerge stronger, probably wiser (don't we all want to think that way) SIGH!!! A big SIGH!

Then comes the question - Oh but wish I had a perfect life - wish I didn't make A my friend. Wish I was smarter to tackle things. Wish I had that attitude, wish I was even more beautiful, wish I was sexier, wish I had taken care of this before, wish I could take care of my health....and the list is endless.

Then you make yourself understand that well we are all humans - we are bound to make mistakes, it happens, human hearts tend to go with slow, its only but natural. So learn the lessons and bid goodbye to your past.

If only human minds and hearts work that way. How you wish!!!! But I guess your past sort of makes you a more responsible person. You tend to be more cautious, probably you may also experience the same pain again but maybe the third time you may just stop yourself!

The next time you start thinking about your past - think of one positive thing that turned out of the whole experience.

And am strong enough.....

Some days are very hunky dory...some aren't the same that way. That actually makes you wonder should I be actually be this happy??? Can I let the sun shine on my face for a few more minutes??? And then suddenly that happiness flushes out so quickly that reality hits you hard where it hurts! When you feel that everything around you is turning to be negative, when your hopes have been crushed, and probably you may just feel that darkness is enveloping you engulfing you that you feel that you have no place to breathe.

Thats when you want to break free - find a solution want to be smart want to get up dust your pants off and walk off with your head held high. Though yea I feel like I want to live for myself at times you feel that even an animal survives but for itself only. Not for anybody around. Then why live like an animal??? Once you have decided on the same - why not listen to it why not hear everything and not take it to heart. Coz the more you get affected, the more people around you will love harassing you. The best thing about it all is that you appear stronger, powerful - you know your mind and you know that you are the mightiest, standing tall yet humble.

Amidst all this what makes you different is the realisation that you are not like them, that you love yourself and are willing to listen to others criticism - accept them with a smile and walk ahead with your head held high. The secret is that you are unique, and the people who come up with criticism will not make you weak but will make you stronger.

So I would say that in itself is a solution - let the swords be out, arrows aimed - Am ready for it all baby! You are not making me feel weak - am only growing strong!!!!

Knock knock knocking on my door....

As I sit down to write this blog - am still wondering what I should actually write. In fact what I wanted to write is already printed at the back of my head. This past week has been a roller coaster ride for me. And I thought I should write it down and not let it go to waste - coz why not share the most wonderful surprises that Life rather Destiny has in store for us.

Last week - I was being told that my company does not have a role for me - asked to me to decide what I would like to do for the company. They were giving me a position which just didn't suit my passion, my creativity, my ideas. So as a result - I bid them goodbye with a heavy heart. I know usually its not supposed to be that way. Rather you would think - hey lets quit, what the heck... So thats there. This door was officially CLOSED!

So now what NEXT?
Well, I was supposed to meet this guy as to see if we could be a suitable match and if that happens would we be happy sharing our future together. I just sat with him for about five hours. Asking questions back and forth. I mean how many questions can one ask - and even if you do manage to ask - how helpful would that question's answer be in the near future. But as the cliche goes - that spark, that connection is enough to help you sail through the whole thing.

Which is what I did.... the very next day things got decided - that we would be having the 'roka' or the confirmation ceremony as I would like to call it. It was seriously a roller coaster ride. You just don't know what will happen - what will change and who will be standing by your side. I mean it was only till yesterday that I was single and ready to mingle.

But am no more single, ready to mingle and all that. I am officially now engaged to be married and that too soon. So you see sometimes life does ask you questions - its waiting for you to give the answers, though destiny is involved in the process. It is the matter of how much you allow yourself to go with the flow without assuming, questioning or suspecting.

As humans we always tend to think that all the negative things are bound to happen to us. We live in fear, that sadisitic pleasure that we get by thinking that probably something bad might happen. Nobody would think about it conciously but it is there at the back of everyones mind. So thats there.

All that is left for me to do is to learn, explore and implement! As famous writers say, Watch out for this space! Ta Da!!! See u soon!

Happy Republic Day!!!

I had gone to Fun Republic to watch Raaz 2 - The Mystery Continues - yeah the mystery still continues as to why our Bollywood directors can't shoot a decent horror movie. And no this blog is not about Raaz - but for the fact when we enter the cinema hall with our popcorn, drinks that at times it seems like food piling competition. And then just at the start of the movie you will be requested to rise for the national anthem.

Forget rising, people literally glide through the first notes of the national anthem. Sometimes it makes me so furious as to catch hold of them and send them off to the LOC! There are some who are so engrossed in finding their seats as if somebody will steal their seats if they didn't reach in time, some who are bothered about stashing popcorn in their mouth, etc...etc. And no am not writing this blog to give them any piece of advice.

But am writing this coz there is this national anthem at Fun Republic which particularly moves me everytime I hear it. And I still haven't come across this National Anthem that Fun Republic plays. While other cinema halls play the usual National Anthem sung by classic and legendary singers (Lata Mangeshkar, Asha Bhosle, Pandit Jasraj, Hariharan), Fun Republic plays a different national anthem.

They show the Indian Army standing at the Siachen Glacier, standing tall and mighty against the freezing cold (where temperatures dip as low as -50 degrees Celsius) saluting the Indian flag. The next clip shows a soldier trying to hold the Indian Flag upright admidst the cold and gusty wind. That whole clip moves you so much that it gives you goose bumps when you see them getting drenched - with rain drops touching their face without any remorse (as if they deserve it). It ends with the Indian Army and Indian Air Force saluting the Indian Flag along with the credits for the national anthem that was played. Jai Hind!

Those TWO Minutes.....

"You don't know Megs, life is much better than you think", my colleague cum a good friend Saahil* happened to tell me last evening.... and well I just made a face and walked ahead.

Again when I crossed Saahil's* path - he still said the same thing, "Life is actually better, than you think - can I talk to you for two minutes?" One thing going at the back of my head was - well what do these people know. What do they know what I am going through?

I still went ahead and gave him my day's two minutes. What he told me - touched me, brought tears to my eyes, made me angry, made me feel helpless and made me reach out for him as well.

Saahil is a dentist by profession and an entertainer as well (I mean it!) and has a girlfriend with whom he has had a relationship for five to six years. This last week has been a bit tough for both of them. The D-day or rather the D -week as they call it. That would decide whether he could be a part of this woman's life whom he loved, cherished and treasured her love in his heart of hearts. This is what touched me!

What made me angry; her parents are not willing to see her settle down with this guy. They threatened her that they will kill themselves and if she does go ahead with it - then it is best if she does not show her face to them in future. And what not!

Why were they unwilling to accept this friend of mine? Coz he is of a different religion, he is in the field of entertainment (if he flirts with other women - who knows he might leave her!), he eats non-veg... and the list goes on. His girlfriend has tried hard, through salty tears, with determination in her mind to convince them but they have stood their ground.

What brought tears to my eyes was the fact that this darling friend of mine accepted the situation as is. In fact when he goes out with his girlfriend he eats orders vegetarian food, cannot call her up at his own will - only when she gives him a miss call can he call her back, meets her only when she's out with her friends. I mean goes to every extent of keeping her happy.

Her parents feel that they will be able to find a much better guy, very rich and who will also follow 'their culture'. Yeah right! Probably they will always keep their eyes shut and ignore the finer things that life gives them. What sort of parents would want to see their daughter unhappy, not getting her married to the man whom she loves to chat with, cuddle him, pamper him and get into sweet arguments with him at the same time.

The irony of the situation was, while her parents will not allow her to marry the guy she loves, my parents are willing and would welcome the option with open arms. The only thing is I don't have a GUY! So life is funny as they say.

My friend was right, life is better, much better than what we think - it seems they have put an end to their relationship. Coz well its not going to work anyways. Her parents have confiscated her cell so that she does not talk to him!

He looked at me, smiled and said, "Am fine - its okay, you go home now, will be late." I couldn't help but admire the brave face he put on that evening - I got up, welled with emotions, hugged him and bid him goodbye while he toyed with his cell.

What also touched me the most that evening was while I was leaving, he was going through the 'Images' folder on his phone to admire his love probably whom he would not be able to see again!
*Name changed on request

Slamming the SlumDOG!!!

Congrats to Danny Boyle and his team for making a movie like Slumdog Millionaire. We hope you get the Oscars too! Lately there has been a huge hue and cry of showing what our city is like in the movie.

It just takes one question to know what people are actually thinking about the movie. When you ask them, "Hey have you watched Slumdog....?" Before you can even complete your statement you will see a frown on the person's face who will then ask you bluntly, "They must have shown poverty, slums, etc...etc.." My only piece of advice to these so called 'Frowny Faces' is that - Dude you just cannot afford to run away from the reality that our city or rather the country as a whole is facing? And no Slumdog movie isn't about slums (rather thats just a background)- its a typical rags to riches story. Its a love story (and a genuine one!) - you feel sad yet happy when you see the movie (coz they have showed Mumbai which we have possibly been not exposed to in our day to day life - just heard of).

In fact Mr Amitabh Bachchan has been wrongly accused of Slamming the movie. For which he clarifies the same on his blog - http://bigb.bigadda.com/ where he has written a mail to the editor of The Guardian.

A story that is brilliantly shot, every technical aspect of the movie was great, the guys who have acted in are great. And yeah not to forget that Rehman has done a fantastic job. If you haven't heard Ringa Ringa song well you sure are missing something. Has the similar feel and sound to that of 'Choli ke Peeche'.

In todays Hindustan Times - there is an article on Slumdog - and I would like to quote Irrfan Khan, "The slums are a backdrop which you take away from the spirit of the city. It's not a backdrop Danny created. It's based on a book by an Indian writer. You can't say we are not poor. We have to accept and deal with the poverty." Well said!

By the way Slumdog's releasing this Friday (23rd Jan) - if you still think that Mumbai shouldn't have been projected as it has been then well my dear friend you seriously need a Reality Check!

Go watch it! And no Danny hasn't paid me to write all this - his movie is any ways receiving attention! Jai Ho! (his movie ends with this song and dance!)

When Destiny....is (Actually) calling?

How often have you heard the phrase - "Do not keep any expectations" - the battle of your mind and heart is endless coz your heart feels helpless - it gives in, expecting for more - much more and obviously your mind cannot do anything. It seems as if the mind has arms and ammunition, knows the strategy of how to deal with everything - but what do you know? None of the ammunition works coz your soul has surrendered to your heart!

Then finally when your mind is growing strong, you have begun to feel confident - wake up every morning see your self eye to eye when you face the mirror..... BHAM! What do you know? All along when you have been expecting something.....that particular 'thing' rolls in when you have least expected when infact it has become invisible for you. When faced with it, your feelings are well you don't know what or how to feel. Surprised, angry, pleasant, happy and the most amazing thing is you do not react to it because your mind is busy tackling ways to avoid it while your heart is yelling from the mountain tops of its victory! Probably singing - What did I tell you???

Then rolls in a word DESTINY which most of us have put ourselves against it, we are not willing to believe it. When this same destiny challenges you, you say well I am a determined person - I can change my destiny.....when all else fails you just well resign saying - its destiny.

This is the same Destiny that I too have resigned myself to. I cannot take off my weaknesses, my failures, my sadness and tell Destiny to own them. But try to see opportunities in this very Destiny and turn them towards my side. Otherwise how can you explain - the Edisons, Henry Fords, Steve Jobs and other such people who have come up from their failures and have become successful!

This very destiny has also come in a way in my personal life - some things as they say can never be avoided. And this is one of them!

THE CALL!

Why is it that we always tend to call up people who we have had very bad fights? Or that things have ended on a rather sour note? Why is there a burning need to call up that very person to ask how is he? And then later on regret doing that very thing??? And its not very womanly or manly to do that - but I guess because sometimes or people like me are so sensitive or so overwhelmed that we come to the fact that - Hey its ok if we call up that very person whom we had a nasty fight with coz he will surely understand and things will be alright!

If only we lived in that sort of Picture Perfect World that our mind wants us to create!

Probably there wouldnt have been break-ups and misunderstandings - no miscommunication - Nothing! You would just have had to ask the other guy - hey you do understand na??

They say let bygones be bygones! Sometimes I wish I was a river - flowing through leaving everything behind and excited to see what lies ahead of me! I do not completely think its my fault - but I wanted to make that call and I suffered the consequences which I know only the best!

How many times while taking a shower (oh yes the bathroom is the perfect place to make yourself understood for your own good) but no after the shower or after visiting the bathroom I guess forget it and well do what you always wanted to do!

Being determined is one thing but there is a fine line between determine and obsession that if one crosses could only meet with his untimely (not death) but wrecking apart his self respect which is more important!

Always bitten and not even once shy! If I could say and curse myself for why in the world did I ever go ahead and make that call.

The only thing I want for myself is that I learn my lessons (sooner the better) and not keep failing (am not afraid of the failure) am just tired of making people understand to know the real ME! The more I make myself understood to them - deeper I fall in the ditch - its like a trap that I have set for myself.....

Till then am hoping that the next blog I write does not consist of another untimely call!

Itch....Tch....I really want to do something....

You know sometimes there is that itch....a bit of discomfort, restlessness, etc...a need to do something...but you get so agitated that you don't know where to go- what to do and above all how to do... Off late I have realised I have become very restless - there seems to be a certain kind of unrest in my mind...really confused and well...most importantly - How do I get out of here???

There are loads of things you want to do - you list them down too. But you know how a human mind fuctions, the day we get involved with our usual work - we forget what we wanted, what our heart desired, and where do we exactly want to go.

We have sort of become slaves to work, to time - I know many writers, great philosophers have written about this - but I sort of cannot get out of it...the time when I took break did I realise I can go to work without actually putting my heart or being emotionally attached to it...but its all the same. I mean then work takes over us, and we become slaves again...coz we carry the same work home. And the stupidest excuse we give to ourselves is well, its work, you just cannot put it off...yeah really??? Wow...am so dedicated...this is a foolish satisfaction that we give to our heart...convincing ourselves emotionally...

Someday they seriously need to introduce a Nobel Prize for working like a dog or a donkey...whatever they find suits better...probably coz there is less of that bunch...and perhaps more of them...again human psychology rules... We think we are the only 'person' doing it...nobody else will be able to do it...than ME...

Phew...again the mind diverts, travels its own journey, comes back to square one and then wanders off....till it finds the right track....

Am off....to find that track...you find yours....ever became successful do let me know...am dying to know that myself...

Will write a book someday on the same....

Face In the Window ( a story I had written some 5 years back)

There is this story had written long long long time back....and after that well, I haven't written any stories....I do not know the reason....but when I keep on reading this it sort of pushes me to write a book in the near future....Amen to that....here is the story....and yea let me add this was the time when I actually was charmed by the world of psychology (I still do think my office people are suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder) :)) Enjoy reading...Comments are always welcome!

Face in the Window
Someone is after me, dressed in black, it was raining very heavily that night, all I remember is that I was running in dense woods, there was no place to hide. I trip over a branch and fall flat on my face. Till that time my intruder gets an advantage over me and he comes near me with something silver shining in his hand, “O…no,” I scream, he sneers at me ready to butcher me like he did to others, and then there will be no witnesses, he points out the stiletto at my throat and says, “Be prepared to die!” All I remember is that I screamed out loud as I could and fainted then and there.

I wake up, trembling and sweating, one of the nurse is already by my side, the doctor gives her orders to strap me tight to the bed, “She should be given shock treatment, nurse” says the doctor. I have been given a dose of injection and later on the shock treatment is brought and as they prepare to make me unconscious I drift back to my past.

My name is Brenda Carl Davis. I, am an author by profession, I am 26. I write books based on fiction, fiction, and more fiction.Every book of mine has been a bestseller. One of the bestseller, which sold more than million copies, was “Face in the Window”
This book is based on a serial rapist/murderer. He targeted young, ambitious, and single women. There was a particular time and place that he chose his victim.

This book is based on a serial rapist cum murderer who is running free. After raping his victim he brutally kills her and after each and every murder he draws a face in the window with the victims blood indicating that she will be his next victim . “Try and stop me,” he writes after his work, and thus he always been successful in his work, no matter how much the police try to find and warn the person by that time the rapist has already finished his work and he is on the move.

Now in the end the conclusion is that there is handicapped female who kills him in the end.
Meanwhile, I remember very clearly, it was a month ago that this incident had occurred which has brought me to this place…. I was sitting all alone watching 8’o clock news when there was a knock at the door, must be my pesky neighbor I thought, when I opened the door, to my surprise there was no one, so I stepped out to see if there might be some naughty kids playing pranks with me…. as I stepped out I tripped over the object I look down the corridor and closed the door.

Since I am a writer I do get many gifts and letters from my fans so this was usual, only it was a big gift. I opened it and gasp! To my horror there was a rag doll with its neck twisted to one side, there was a note. “The game has begun, even you will die,” it said, “Try and stop me.” I smiled someone has definitely got more wild imagination than me. “And the main crime stories today are…the city is shocked at attempted rape and murder of a 16 year old girl Denise Colagn at 7.30 p.m. this evening at South Minneapolis. She was butchered mercilessly. The police found no evidence but are trying, they say that only thing the murderer cum rapist has left behind is a sketch in the window with the victims blood.

“O.No…” I scream that means the threat that I got was for real. I call up the cops, they come after 15 minutes to have a look at the gift sent to me. “Someone must be playing pranks with you Miss Davis, I don’t see any harm here,” says the senior officer. “Goodnight Miss Davis and don’t worry about such things.” “ B…but the girl, he may start killing other females y..you..”
“Miss Davis I would you to go sleep nothing has happened so good night!”

As days and nights passed by, I started hearing more and more of rape and murder and the “face in the window” and everytime the police said that it is nothing. So I decided to go and investigate and save those innocent girls, I myself go on a hunt because I knew where he would go, the killer victimized people at South Minneapolis…it was a very dense place so I go all equipped with torch, dark clothes and rubber shoes. Unfortunately it was raining that night, so there was a smell of wet soil. As I stood there I heard ruffling smell behind me I turned around there was nothing I started running even the person behind me did the same, I knew I had to act on impulse so I turned around and picked up the stick lying down, it was then I saw him he was standing two feet far from me I could see him sneering at me, “ so Miss Writer wants to become Miss Heroine huh? Hahahahahaha…” he laughs out loud. “You won’t kill anyone again,” I say with nervousness, he suddenly plunged at me with a dagger. “Noooo…” I scream, that was the last thing I remember.

“Mrs. Davis, I am sorry to say but you have to keep your daughter here for special care and treatment,” Dr. Alice tells my mom. “But what has happened to her?” inquires my mom. “Your daughter is suffering from a mental illness called schizophrenia, she imagines things and she thinks that those things are happening for real. She cannot differentiate between reality and imagination and that is why she keeps on getting visions. This generally happens when the person is undergoing through too much stress and fatigue.

“Will she be alright doctor?” asks my worried mother, “I really cant guarantee you anything Mrs. Davis, you will have to be patient.” As the doctor tells this to my mom she leaves her alone and walks away to attend other patients while my mom looks at me with concern from the cubicle window while I look back at her at her and see her “Face in the window.”

When was the last time you were hit?? (I meant mentally!!!)

I feel so down, so out and so out of the blue...that am all out of love...am not lost without anybody...but its getting lonelier by the minute...I mean it is seriously very funny the way people behave....one moment they are nice to you the next minute they are like ....well - its worse than getting introduced...and then you get lost...like who do I converse with??? Everybody bloody around are so...well..selfish and so eeewwww...that at times you feel as if you have just committed a sin...and there were witnesses who saw you do that...and all are going to testify against you....

Its getting bloody lonelier here...coz I just dont know whats happening at my place...that similar to my place being in some corner of the office I too feel as if I have been locked up and forgotten in some part of the hole...that I will not be called maybe if I leave the place people will not notice...but then the question is why do you want people to notice...are you so hungry for attention that you will want people to notice you...to stand up and salute you...I guess these shoddy expectations sort of leave you bruised and scarred...that even if its just a scratch on your skin it hurts and it bloody hurts so much that there will be nobody who can come and wipe off your tears...

I guess when you expect a lot...life just shows you that a paper can be blank...and not necessarily anything can be written on it...even when you think there will be another instruction of life...and that is what is not sad...coz the paper wants you to write something on it...where it wants you to create your own rules - why is it that...we always look at the door...longing that somebody will open, shout, and embrace you telling you that - "Its ok, I am here!!!" There are one in five times that - that happens...

And when that doesnt happen....human psychology is such that you start blaming your own nature, character that you are good for nothing...or probably you have become so bad or unnoticeable that it is these things that make you cry and bring despair in your life. Which is just so sad...

No matter how many times after I have seen Batman - The Dark Knight - that am so bloody obsessed with the Joker character...that I want to be somewhat similar to him while dealing with stupid situations in my life...that well I just cant seem to handle it....I just become so emotional myself...that there is no self realisation that whatever is happening is ok...its just a phase...and well...let things be as they are...and not be bothered by it....aaahhhh...

Sometimes I do wonder why I cant leave it as it is.....Just let go.....can I? Well.....only time can tell....but one thing is for sure....if I have managed to become stronger - I will emerge a winner out of all this mucky situation as well.... all I have to do is let it pass....

See you soon here...I intend to write soon.....its more of soul searching...which will keep happening....:) there's hope!!! May God bestow some of Joker's character's ingredients in me....hehehehe...

Well, It sure wasn't me......

How many times have you been caught by your bosses doing nothing wrong, but they feel that you are upto something - lets use the word -'wrong'??? How many times have you done your work like you really really really care and then have also got scolded for the same stupid thing??? I mean when its done, people just don't care thinking well, it isn't done....and when you do it, they just raise their arms and shrug and say - 'BIG DEAL'.... and this time it wasn't my fault.

Am sure many of you might or may (and 100% must have been on such a situation) where your bosses always want to probe or prod or whatever - till now I haven't been much in the limelight...and as you know when you are not there - you feel - 'Oh, maybe am not important', strange how one situation where your boss questioning you makes you feel like - 'Why me?' - strange case of a human mind no doubt.

Anywayz so I was been questioned, again questioned...and when there was no conclusion - I was been told to meet - well I went down for a walk (not that there was anything to do with the walk) but still went ahead...read some books (realised that BATMAN is good to read - now that sure is stored at the back of my mind) and then came back...and am still SULKING...and am very much still SULKING...sheesh when will this stupid habit of mine go...I mean if am right what do I have to care in this world???

But yea...the fear lurks behind this mind, at the same point of time there is that confidence that the mind is trying to build...

Let it build it all... Will let you know of the OUTCOME...the end result of the same.

Dreams, Drama, Action.....Karma....MEETINGS

How many of us have some of the strangest dreams- wake up with a start or astonishment thinking what in the world was that dream for- if it was highly scary dream - then you may try to question it-maybe if you are superstitious you may also keep on thinking about it, worrying about it so much that only if there is high pressure of work would that dream just go away....if it was a very nice dream - you would always imagine that hope it happens to me or please let it come true (well, in my case it does not-not that I get disappointed -not anymore)

How many times in your life have you wanted to wring somebody's neck, abuse that person left right and center but stop doing it just coz the word 'karma' floats in front of your face, how many times have you stopped yourself from wishing bad for somebody coz we always think that the other person does not deserve or should I say rightly deserve anything that they have in the present sense...I mean don't you do an about turn thinking - wow I have more than half the brains that this guy has (even if he/she is your superior) and still is at the top position than you are... why coz that guy has gone through a lot of ass licking....or what ever....

Well tomm is Monday again I need to rush at about 9.00 am coz we have got some 'meeting' wow they should actually pay us more for the kind of 'stuff' that we keep on listening to...so that means I will not be getting my 'beauty sleep' also....

Anywayz am all looking forward for a new day.... hopefully without me cribbing about anything!

In a Complete Screwed Up Mood!!!!eeeeewwwwwwwww

Do I scream??? Do I shout??? Can I actually be very angry and just throw tantrums....Should I be always nice to people??? Why do I take flak from people??? They can survive without me na?? Or is it always please do this thing for us na??? Maybe they do know that I will at the end of the day. Why do I always bend down to those rules?? Why cant I make my own set of rules??? Why Why Why???? I mean just Why??? Cant a human being breathe....or maybe if others have forgotten that a human should breathe...coz they are busy being blood suckers...well you just cannot do anything...but remind yourself that you are an absolute human being who should well just BREATHE....exhale..inhale...exhale...inhale......which is just not happening.

I just want to relax....relax....want to get rid of these questions roaming around my head....which is just too irritating....anwayzzz...signing off....